Textphish

Okay, everyone. Ready? Keep your finger on the F5 button, as I’ll be editing this entry throughout the night. Remember, at 9 PM EST I will go live on the air at www.dazedradio.org!

5:43 PM - Watching MSNBC live! Discussing states and their tendency to lean towards either party. (yawn)

5:47 PM - Worst. Comb-over. Ever.

5:48 PM - I didn’t know his name, but he had a bad comb-over. Anyway. Keith Olbermann is my hero when he starts ranting about Bush. Otherwise…

5:53 PM - Talking Points Memo reports only 7 minutes to go until the first results come in!

5:54 PM - JESUS CHRIST SOMEONE HELP THESE POOR MEN WITH THEIR HAIR. OR LACK THEREOF.

5:56 PM - Getting closer to some resuuuults…

6:00 PM - Polls are closed in parts of Indiana and Kentucky! We’re starting!

6:01 PM - Two billion people interviewed by polls. WOW.

6:02 PM - Oh, Keith, Keith, Keith. You always have a snappy comment. “He said ‘pumdits’, not ‘pundits’, which made my day.”

6:06 PM - I would do Rachel Maddow until she screamed for mercy and her socks rolled up.

6:08 PM - People are like, we’re excited to vote! And I’m totally good with that…but admit it. You’re excited because Bush will finally fuck off.

6:09 PM - Keith —-BZZZZZT

Okay, my computer has frozen a total of ONE time so far. Here’s hoping it won’t do it again. ;-;

6:17 PM - Returning to MSNBC’s live stream. Talking Points Memo appears to be having technical difficulties. Fucking hippies.

6:22 PM - Talking Points Memo back online!

6:24 PM - BARACK OBAMA LANDS NEW HAMPSHIRE! 67% to 33%!

6:27 PM - Whoa, Keith. Whoa, darling. Save it for later. Goood boy.

6:29 PM - MSNBC is taking a break. Talking Points Memo is being a shit again. Let’s travel to another place…FOX NEWS. I CHOOSE YOU.

6:30 PM - Now I remember why I never visited this site. Dear god, there are upsetting headlines and nothing but. Fuck you guys.

# Mistrial Declared in Border Agent’s Murder Trial
# DNA Links Bones Near Crash Site to Fossett | PHOTOS
# Supreme Court Wrestles With TV Profanity
# Man Gets Life for Killing Wife, Stepson Over Church
# TOP U.S. NEWS PHOTOS
# Woman Arrested for Huffing Asks Cops for Can Back
# Jose Canseco Pleads Guilty to Drug Smuggling
# Grandpa Charged With Racketeering in Vegas Boy Kidnap | PHOTOS
# House Fire Kills 3 Young Brothers in New York State
# Seattle Teen Shooting Indicative of City’s ‘Gang Crisis’
# High Court Hears Drug Labeling Gangrene Case
# Bus Driver Threatens to Leave Kids on Railroad Tracks
# Police Hunt Man in Wheelchair Who Molested Patient
# Officer Shot Outside School Used as Polling Place
# Early Storm Dumps 15 Inches of Snow in Nevada
# Truck Driver: I Didn’t Kidnap Strip Club Dancer
# Cellmate Recants Testimony in Microwaved Baby Case

What the fuck.

6:31 PM - Hello, MSNBC. Barack is losing in Kentucky and leading in Indiana so far. Come on, Kentucky! Pull forward! Please!

6:33 PM - Senator McCain and his bride are watching the election in their condo in Phoenix. One of them.

6:34 PM - Bidens (37 of them) and Obamas are in Chicago, watching along. Not sure if they’re in a condo or not. They couldn’t fit all the Bidens in.

6:36 PM - Nationally, Obama: 50%, McCain: 49%

6:39 PM - Hilary Clinton! Let you not forgotten be!

6:45 PM - yaaaawn…

6:46 PM - Obama is trailing hardcore in Kentucky. Breaks my heart.

—-BZZZZZZZZT

Computer freezes: 2

6:53 PM - Obama actually doesn’t have all of New Hampshire. I was just being stupid. He’s leading there, though, as well as in Indiana and Maine.

6:54 PM - Well. Apparently 189 people in Kentucky thought that Ralph Nader would get somewhere in this election.

6:56 PM - Obama is catching up in Kentucky! Keep going, guys, keep going! We can do it!

7:00 PM - Indiana is currently too close to call! Oooooh.

7:03 PM - Bruce Lunsford, the Democratic candidate for the Senate in Kentucky, is currently leading by 51%. David Boswell, the Democratic candidate for Congress in the Bluegrass area, is leading at 54%. I’m currently trying to find Bill Young’s statistics for state rep.

7:07 PM - Okay, we’ve got…Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, Virginia, North Carolina and Vermont getting ready to hand their numbers in.

7:09 PM - Doo dee doo dee doo.

7:10 PM - Anne Northup is losing here in Kentucky. This is a very good thing, as Anne Northup is the AntiChrist’s sister. Also, make that 1,204 people that thought Ralph Nader was going to go somewhere. Maybe Texas.

7:13 PM - I would love to live in New England. If most of the states there can be backing Obama, it must be a pretty nice place…

7:15 PM - Jesus. I still can’t believe tonight is THE NIGHT. THE NIGHT!

7:18 PM - I have just inhaled copious amounts of burning plant matter, and there is a ladybug crawling across my screen. Hi.

7:21 PM - DAMN, Mitch McConnell is leading now.

7:25 PM - Projected win for Obama: Vermont / McCain: Kentucky (>:[) / Indiana is too close to call, Virginia is too early to call. Fucking people need to hurry up, man, I have to know who wins this election and I am not a patient person.

7:30 PM - MCCAIN’S FACE LOOKS LIKE A MUTATED PEAR. I HAVE WANTED TO SAY THIS FOR A LONG TIME NOW.

7:31 PM - MSNBC has very good presidential music. I feel very “West Wing” right now.

7:33 PM - McCain is currently leading in Indiana, though MSNBC claims that it’s too close to call.

7:37 PM - Having technical difficulties with the stream.

7:39 PM - Things are going on in Texas.

7:40 PM - George Busth wasth the presthident. He will sthtill find a welcome coalithion in–WHAT. WHAT THE HELL. FUCK YOU. NO.

7:44 PM - Bishop Texas bugs the hell out of me. I’d rather listen to Olbermann make a dick of himself.

7:45 PM - Cindy McCain. Scares. The living batfuck. Out of me.

7:49 PM - Sponsored by Liberty Mutual! We are really financially sound! Really!

7:51 PM - MY LADYBUG CAME BACK HIIIII LAAADY BUUUUG

7:55 PM - The Campaign Senior Adviser for the Obama Campaign looks so cute! She could be a mushroom in Mario, or something.

7:59 PM - My neighbor just came over, packed a pipe, and reinvented the cultural meaning of “Woodstock”. She is talking about an African-American woman, age 109, was the daughter of a slave. She is living today to see a black man be elected president. THAT IS FUCKING COOL.

8:01 PM - Dude. I’m scared. What if Obama doesn’t make it?

8:02 PM - Fuck that, McPain cannot possibly win. Not after all this work.

8:03 PM - Christa, my neighbor, has this message for Florida: COME ON, JEWS! COME ON, GET OUT AND VOOOOOTE!

8:07 PM - Change is bad for Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania sucks.

8:08 PM - THE THREAD SNAPS, PENNSYLVANIA. IT SNAPS.

8:12 PM - Some guy named Gippy Graham is running for mayor or something of the like in Frankfort, KY. I just think about how happy that name sounds. Their whole platform could be based on that name. Hi, I’m Gippy Graham! Vote for me!

8:13 PM - …I forgot what I was going to say.

8:16 PM - Congrats, Biden, for winning yourself a job just in case!

8:20 PM - Obama projected win: all of New fucking England.

8:26 PM - Again with the presidential music. I feel like strutting through a winding hallway in a pantsuit with a clipboard and feathered hair.

8:31 PM - I’ll say one thing for Olbermann. He sure knows how to be an ass.

8:32 PM - AWESOME ANCHOR FIIIIGHT

8:33 PM - John McCain for Alabama. Or vice versa. Whatever, they both suck.

8:35 PM - SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS MESS OBAMA WON PENNSYLVANIA HOORAAAAY

8:36 PM - LIES AND DECEIT IT’S JUST A PROJECTED WIIIIIN

8:41 PM - Keith Olbermann assholery.

8:39 PM - Obama’s party base is having fun.

8:47 PM - I’m going to start getting ready for my broadcast. Updates from here on out will probably be sparse, or maybe not, it just depends. :D

9:10 PM - AHhhhhh. Set up and broadcasting. I’ve tried to include some iconic political pieces, but the rest of it just kind of fades into regular groovy music. :D OBAMA CARRIES PENN AWAY

9:20 PM - My cat is trying to knock everything in the house down. Everything.

9:27 PM - Question 2 has passed, I think, somewhere, so they’re all high.

9:31 PM - Oh my god. Oh my god. Obama might actually do this. I mean, I believed in him, but to actually see it…it’s amazing. It’s like it doesn’t truly exist until you see it for yourself.

9:36 PM - Networks give Obama a projected win of New Mexico, and other states that I’ve forgotten the names of!

9:55 PM - THIS IS AWESOME AND COMPLETELY RELEVANT.

9:59 PM - Now taking name suggestions for this lady bug. Leave me a comment.

10:02 PM - http://www.realclearpolitics.com/

10:09 PM - I wonder how Prop 8 is doing in California! HMMMM…

10:12 PM - Hasn’t come in yet. BUT I found this: in regards to Bush, “‘He realizes this election is not about him,’ White House press secretary Dana Perino said heading into voting day.” Awww. Poor dear. It’s hard to face reality.

10:14 PM - South Dakota’s abortion ban was defeated! IT’S JUST LIKE CHRISTMAS

10:16 PM - this woman they’re interviewing has a face that practically revolves in a gravitational field around her very bulbous nose.

10:17 PM - It’s like she was quacking. A whole galaxy, solar systems, revolving around this nose. Wow.

10:26 PM - MEDICAL MARIJUANA IN MICHIGAN! HOORAY!

10:28 PM - Obama is taking the lead. It’s amazing. It’s so amazing.

10:45 PM - Still here, just quietly watching. I’m waiting for news on Prop 8.

10:54 PM - http://www.365gay.com/news/third-gay-elected-to-congress/

11:02 PM - ASDGSL;DKFJGSDL;HJSDLKFJGHDF;J

HE’S DONE IT! HE’S DONE IT! HE’S DONE IT! HE’S DONE IT!

11:12 PM - BUSH! YOU’RE FIRED!

11:16 PM - McCain campaign statements try to restore dignity…

11:19 PM - McCain gave a nice closing statement, at least, but one cannot speak for the “booos” when Obama was honored for winning the race. Sore losers, anyone?

11:20 PM - The reign of miserly politics, ass backwardness, and bigotry is over.

11:27 PM - John McCain’s party really, really frightens me. When they gather in large numbers it makes my upper lip curl in disgust.

11:30 PM - My set is coming to a close, and with it I bring the livebloggings. It has been absolutely remarkable. I can’t believe it. It’s just amazing.

TO A BRIGHT NEW FUTURE!